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The death of an age brings about the birth of histories and legends.

Dreams are suffocating

It's only forever, not long at all

mona lisa

Use caution; for absinthe is but a slow poison.

Dreams are suffocating

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The other night I had the weirdest dream.

I think I was living in a fascist Christian society where everyone had to be Christian or imprisoned or worse. They thought they could save me. I was forced to marry a boy to be rid of my sinful ways. We were to be the poster kids for their saving program.

We were married in a dingy basement room of a church, because the sanctuary was busy with devout Christians praying and whatnot. The whole ceremony I felt as though the world was tipping over and I had to struggle to stay standing. The boy they married me to wasn't bad looking. But I was trapped. I couldn't even think how to tell my friends I was married. When would they notice the ring on my finger?

They gave us a gigantic apartment to live in. I remember this part very well, and in my diary I even drew a diagram of it. It had high ceilings, at least 15 feet high, and tons of huge windows along one end of the apartment. There was lots of open space, and the furniture was very modern, but the building was very Victorian with moldings around the ceilings and fancy baseboards along the walls. There were huge bathrooms with stark white tiles. I never did see the kitchen. But here was where I was to live with my husband for the rest of my life or face something horrific. This boy that I knew nothing about.

And then I was out with my husband, and he just looked at me with such raw emotion in his eyes. He told me that his best friend was gay and he was very afraid for him. At this moment we were standing in the center of a highway on one of the broken white lines, that for some reason were about a foot wide. Cars were rushing by and no one seemed to notice. It was twilight. Headlights rushed by us and a warm wind accompanied every car. I took him into my arms and thought that maybe I could love this boy. We held each other tightly until he pulled back to look at me with sea green eyes. He said "you really are a great person. I'm glad we're together." And he kissed me.

I remember the feeling of his stubble against my skin. The taste of his lips. As we kissed with the cars rushing buy, our hugs turned into caresses and urgent groping. We broke from our kiss and dashed across the highway to return to our apartment where we immediately consummated the marriage.

The next thing I remember is fighting with some strange blond-haired boy in our apartment with black rimmed glasses because he'd eaten all the crackers. I was frantic about this for some reason. It seems to me this boy was a lover of mine because I had never intended to be faithful in my marriage. But that was before I actually loved my husband. I think I was afraid he'd know I had another man because of the missing crackers.

Then I awoke.

A few nights ago I dreamed I was in a store. It was like a KMart or Walmart with cheap metal shelving arranged in rows around a warehouse, and cheap linoleum tiling. I think Lynne was there. She had packs of toxic chemicals, and somehow I knew that it would be very bad if those chemicals came in contact with the air. I said "Don't open those..." but she already had. The air began to fill with a dense toxic fog, and we ran for the exits. I became disoriented and I couldn't see. I was breathing but getting no oxygen. I could feel myself slipping away, dying. I saw other people rush past but I was lost in this fog, suffocating. I couldn't stop myself from trying to breathe, and I kept breathing in this toxic air. I imagine drowning feels similar.

Then I woke up from that just as I was about to die.

I am on Zoloft now for anxiety. Here's hoping I don't turn into a homicidal maniac. Or a suicidal one.

And I'm going to probably go to counseling. I have no idea how often. I first have to find out if my insurance covers it. yay.
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