Today is National (or international?) pancake day. I hope everyone had some pancakes.
My journaling for the last week or so:
February 9, 2008, 11:31 pm
Today was my last day working at JCPenney’s. It was strange working, knowing that I would never have to be back. Everyone was sad to see me go. I was delighted that I was leaving, never having to work at the mall again.
When I originally took the job at JCPenney’s, I was an inexperienced 17-year-old, without a car or divers license. I took that job because my sister already worked at the mall. It was going to be a temporary job until I got a drivers license and a car. I didn’t want to work at the mall. I hated it. I also was rather normal looking and had long, naturally colored hair. I was still rather optimistic about people in general…. Now two and a half years later, I hate people. I still hate the mall. But I made a lot of friends, met a lot of… interesting people. I learned a lot of things about life in general… and about people.
I wanted to leave Penney’s many times. I was always looking for new jobs, but I never acted on it. I think I felt comfortable in that environment. I brought a friend, Lynne, along with me from the beginning. 5 days after I started, she started there. I knew the people. I got along with everyone. It’s hard to walk away from that. It still is. But the truth is I have changed. And with my change I feel I must move on. I went to a new school and discovered many things about myself. I know I’m a different person then when I began. I feel that I’ve finished this phase of my life, and I must move on. People I knew in my past have trouble accepting who I am now. Though they’d never voice it, I can just sense it. In this new job, they will only see me this way, until I change again.
On the other hand, some of my coworkers have gone through changes over the years. Especially Adam. I find he has gone from an intriguing person to someone I can hardly stand. And it’s sad. He’s become a ranting bible-thumping lunatic. A sexist racist pig. This is not the Adam I met. I guess he got very upset the other day because Catherine’s boyfriend proposed to her in the store. She is white, he is black. He truly believes that is wrong. He told Chelsea perhaps God will have pity on her, because she is mulatto. It is sad to know he has become this way.
Nancy, and Andy, said I could come back at any time if I wish. I don’t think I ever will.
So, I’m excited to move on. I no longer have to wait on customers. I only have to unload trucks, unpack boxes, and put everything in its proper place. No responsibility for counting money. And a steady schedule. I’m ready for this. For now, anyway.
Taking care of my Nephew is exhausting. He constantly needs stimulation. Entertainment. Attention. He’s also getting heavy. He’s so big for 7 months old. Over 20 pounds and almost 30 inches. He seems to get bigger every day. He’s so curious, grabs at everything. He loves mirrors, and he’s very social. Just like Auntie. I haven’t really watched a child grow up since I’ve become old enough to care. I was the youngest in my family for the longest time, and the extended family doesn’t keep in touch. I know 3 of my cousins have kids. I’ve not seen them since they were infants. I hope I have good influence on the boy. Along with the brother or sister he is going to have.
***much omitted here for my sister's sake****
Our parents are being ridiculous, as always. They want her to sever ties completely, of course. But they offer no aid. They’ve never expressed interest in spending time with Matthew. They’re only interested in him when we bring him over. They’ve never offered to baby-sit. Ryan’s mom is so involved with Matthew. She baby-sits him. She loves him. It would be unfair to her to cut her out of his life.
Also, I told my mom about my panic attacks, saying I want to see someone about them. She tells me that the devil uses the mind to get to you. She goes into some archaic rant about religion and how my thoughts are the devil’s devices to get me to doubt God. I can say I already do. Christian faith would have you fearing your own thoughts. It’s now a sin to think. You’re meant to believe your own mind to be the enemy. The devil puts these thoughts in your mind. Intellect is Satan. How nice, mom, that was really helpful.
I really have no desire to ever go back home. If my sister gets a house, I’ll just get a roommate and a semi-decent apartment somewhere. I can’t live with that woman. I’ll get my cosmetology license and work somewhere doing hair where I get good benefits, working on a business degree, working toward that dream in New York City. Maybe I’ll never call home again. My parents obviously will never except me for who I am. They just quote the bible at me left and right. Live in fear, because that’s what God wants. The Bible is the biggest book of contradictions ever written. As far as I can see, you can’t trust it. You can’t trust any written religious document, as it if flawed at the hands of men. Changed, distorted, transformed into an instrument of power. If there is a God he accepts all people no matter what. Love is love no matter whom it is with. Everyone is equal regardless of race, gender, where they come from, who they love, what they think, what they do…God is either all loving and benevolent or he’s a vengeful asshole who thinks you should live by strict rules and not appreciate or use the gifts he gave you, and who wants you to bicker and fight with anyone who is not just like you. He can’t be both. And I don’t think it’s the latter. It just doesn’t feel right and good. No. Maybe there is a God, but I do not believe he is the one they talk about in the “good book”. Vengeful and merciful? Unforgiving and benevolent? My god would be loving, giving, caring, compassionate, accepting. He wouldn’t throw all people who don’t live a certain way into an eternal Hell. When I dreamed I died I went neither up, nor down. I just floated. I was not judged. There were flames all around me but I was unburned. Maybe I was being reborn….
February 10, 2008, 11:51 am
I was watching an interview with Mike Huckabee on Face the Nation this morning. It was a weird experience. I know that I don’t support him. He’s a southern bible Baptist bible-thumping asshole. His personal beliefs are that women should have special permission from their husbands or fathers to work. Women belong behind men, seen and not heard. He also thinks that all gays and people with aid should be quarantined. But he said something that caught my attention. He said he didn’t see issues as individual problems, but as a part of the whole picture. That speaks exactly of what I believe. Everything is integrated and everything affects the others. Nobody in government ever seems to be able to understand this, but Mike Huckabee does. It’s too bad he’s such a conservative nut-job. I might have been persuaded to vote for this. Maybe if the other candidates can see this as well, it will make a better case for them. We really need someone who sees this way.
It’s fucking freezing outside. I went out a while ago because I thought I would go to the store for some things like bread, and bagels, and a few other things. We’re in desperate need of a trip to the store. There’s not much to work with in the fridge. But I didn’t get far, even with my hoodie under my down coat, gloves, hat, boots. The cold bit and my legs, my fingers, my bare face. It even wrapped its harsh grip around my toes through the boots. It was just too damn cold. And I have to walk to work in this tomorrow morning at 3:30. It’s going to suck. I think this time around I’ll try 2 pairs of pants as well, and if I can find them, 2 pairs of gloves.
I should sleep before I have to go to work… if I can. I’ve had the worst trouble sleeping at night lately.
February 11, 2008 12:52 pm
Today was a lovely day. It started out great. I was up and ready to go. Ready and fully prepared to face that bitter cold, with many a layer on. I walked down to the Wegmans for some breakfast, as there was nothing really to have at the apartment. And then I got to Target at a few minutes after 4:00. Now they have this policy about mornings, the door is supposed to be open from 5 to until 5 after every hour. This is what I’ve been told. I got there at 4:03. I was walking down the mall. I saw other employees enter. But when I got to the door it was locked. Once they lock it again, there’s nothing they can do until the next hour. Needless to say, I was pissed. They have their thing about wanting to be accessible to all people. They’re obviously not. So, I called the manager when I finally got back home and let them know how dissatisfied I was. Of course she was very apologetic. She said I’d been told wrong. So, most unfortunately, there will have to be blood. Someone’s got to answer for it. I have a feeling it will be the dear HR manager. It is a shame, she is really nice, but they can’t tell me it’ll be open until 5 after when it won’t, after I walked a good 20-25 minutes in the freezing cold to be at work today, only to be locked out 2 minutes before I was told I would be. I did not return. I was on the verge of having frostbite on my legs already. If I get penalized for this I’ll bring in lawyers. I’m not taking shit from companies anymore. Once you’re in the work field for a while, you learn that companies try to take advantage of people. All people. They try to scare you into obedience, relying on your ignorance of your own rights by law. This is why you should make it a point to know your rights, wherever you are. If they try to release me based on this, I know, I will hit them with discrimination of persons who do not drive, lying, and not following their own policies and procedures guide. I have a copy of that right here and it does say the door will be open until 5 after.
Hopefully I won’t have to go through that. I really can’t try to find another job right now. Not this time of year. And I am really looking forward to working this odd shift. You have no idea how excited I was to learn I wouldn’t have to deal with customers. And of course the pay compensation for the ‘strange hours’ was nice. I already keep strange hours; it’s not that much of an adjustment. So I wait a few hours more until sleep. Oh well, we’ll find out soon enough if they’re going to make a big deal out of this. I don’t see how it’s my fault.
On to another subject, the people living downstairs, whom I have never seen, are chain smokers. Every time they light a new cigarette I think something is on fire. It’s annoying. I no longer smoke. I don’t want to have to live in its stench. I can’t believe they would put smokers and non-smokers in the same building here. And we have a child living under this roof. I don’t think complaining will do much. I mean, they have their right to smoke, and they’re living there, and we’re living here. Nobody really would like to be relocated.