Forever cursed to love and want that which I cannot have
July 6th, 2008
July 3rd, 2008
One week on Zoloft and I haven't lost my mind yet. But now the dosage shall increase....
June 27th, 2008
The other night I had the weirdest dream.
I think I was living in a fascist Christian society where everyone had to be Christian or imprisoned or worse. They thought they could save me. I was forced to marry a boy to be rid of my sinful ways. We were to be the poster kids for their saving program.
We were married in a dingy basement room of a church, because the sanctuary was busy with devout Christians praying and whatnot. The whole ceremony I felt as though the world was tipping over and I had to struggle to stay standing. The boy they married me to wasn't bad looking. But I was trapped. I couldn't even think how to tell my friends I was married. When would they notice the ring on my finger?
They gave us a gigantic apartment to live in. I remember this part very well, and in my diary I even drew a diagram of it. It had high ceilings, at least 15 feet high, and tons of huge windows along one end of the apartment. There was lots of open space, and the furniture was very modern, but the building was very Victorian with moldings around the ceilings and fancy baseboards along the walls. There were huge bathrooms with stark white tiles. I never did see the kitchen. But here was where I was to live with my husband for the rest of my life or face something horrific. This boy that I knew nothing about.
And then I was out with my husband, and he just looked at me with such raw emotion in his eyes. He told me that his best friend was gay and he was very afraid for him. At this moment we were standing in the center of a highway on one of the broken white lines, that for some reason were about a foot wide. Cars were rushing by and no one seemed to notice. It was twilight. Headlights rushed by us and a warm wind accompanied every car. I took him into my arms and thought that maybe I could love this boy. We held each other tightly until he pulled back to look at me with sea green eyes. He said "you really are a great person. I'm glad we're together." And he kissed me.
I remember the feeling of his stubble against my skin. The taste of his lips. As we kissed with the cars rushing buy, our hugs turned into caresses and urgent groping. We broke from our kiss and dashed across the highway to return to our apartment where we immediately consummated the marriage.
The next thing I remember is fighting with some strange blond-haired boy in our apartment with black rimmed glasses because he'd eaten all the crackers. I was frantic about this for some reason. It seems to me this boy was a lover of mine because I had never intended to be faithful in my marriage. But that was before I actually loved my husband. I think I was afraid he'd know I had another man because of the missing crackers.
Then I awoke.
A few nights ago I dreamed I was in a store. It was like a KMart or Walmart with cheap metal shelving arranged in rows around a warehouse, and cheap linoleum tiling. I think Lynne was there. She had packs of toxic chemicals, and somehow I knew that it would be very bad if those chemicals came in contact with the air. I said "Don't open those..." but she already had. The air began to fill with a dense toxic fog, and we ran for the exits. I became disoriented and I couldn't see. I was breathing but getting no oxygen. I could feel myself slipping away, dying. I saw other people rush past but I was lost in this fog, suffocating. I couldn't stop myself from trying to breathe, and I kept breathing in this toxic air. I imagine drowning feels similar.
Then I woke up from that just as I was about to die.
I am on Zoloft now for anxiety. Here's hoping I don't turn into a homicidal maniac. Or a suicidal one.
And I'm going to probably go to counseling. I have no idea how often. I first have to find out if my insurance covers it. yay.
I think I was living in a fascist Christian society where everyone had to be Christian or imprisoned or worse. They thought they could save me. I was forced to marry a boy to be rid of my sinful ways. We were to be the poster kids for their saving program.
We were married in a dingy basement room of a church, because the sanctuary was busy with devout Christians praying and whatnot. The whole ceremony I felt as though the world was tipping over and I had to struggle to stay standing. The boy they married me to wasn't bad looking. But I was trapped. I couldn't even think how to tell my friends I was married. When would they notice the ring on my finger?
They gave us a gigantic apartment to live in. I remember this part very well, and in my diary I even drew a diagram of it. It had high ceilings, at least 15 feet high, and tons of huge windows along one end of the apartment. There was lots of open space, and the furniture was very modern, but the building was very Victorian with moldings around the ceilings and fancy baseboards along the walls. There were huge bathrooms with stark white tiles. I never did see the kitchen. But here was where I was to live with my husband for the rest of my life or face something horrific. This boy that I knew nothing about.
And then I was out with my husband, and he just looked at me with such raw emotion in his eyes. He told me that his best friend was gay and he was very afraid for him. At this moment we were standing in the center of a highway on one of the broken white lines, that for some reason were about a foot wide. Cars were rushing by and no one seemed to notice. It was twilight. Headlights rushed by us and a warm wind accompanied every car. I took him into my arms and thought that maybe I could love this boy. We held each other tightly until he pulled back to look at me with sea green eyes. He said "you really are a great person. I'm glad we're together." And he kissed me.
I remember the feeling of his stubble against my skin. The taste of his lips. As we kissed with the cars rushing buy, our hugs turned into caresses and urgent groping. We broke from our kiss and dashed across the highway to return to our apartment where we immediately consummated the marriage.
The next thing I remember is fighting with some strange blond-haired boy in our apartment with black rimmed glasses because he'd eaten all the crackers. I was frantic about this for some reason. It seems to me this boy was a lover of mine because I had never intended to be faithful in my marriage. But that was before I actually loved my husband. I think I was afraid he'd know I had another man because of the missing crackers.
Then I awoke.
A few nights ago I dreamed I was in a store. It was like a KMart or Walmart with cheap metal shelving arranged in rows around a warehouse, and cheap linoleum tiling. I think Lynne was there. She had packs of toxic chemicals, and somehow I knew that it would be very bad if those chemicals came in contact with the air. I said "Don't open those..." but she already had. The air began to fill with a dense toxic fog, and we ran for the exits. I became disoriented and I couldn't see. I was breathing but getting no oxygen. I could feel myself slipping away, dying. I saw other people rush past but I was lost in this fog, suffocating. I couldn't stop myself from trying to breathe, and I kept breathing in this toxic air. I imagine drowning feels similar.
Then I woke up from that just as I was about to die.
I am on Zoloft now for anxiety. Here's hoping I don't turn into a homicidal maniac. Or a suicidal one.
And I'm going to probably go to counseling. I have no idea how often. I first have to find out if my insurance covers it. yay.
June 17th, 2008
My paid account has expired, and now I have to look at retarded advertising all over livejournal. Oh joy. Maybe someday I'll buy it again, if I ever feel I have enough to write in here to make it worth while.
I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today. Maybe it's because I went to the city both today and yesterday. I always feel more alive after that.
Maybe I'm really a city girl. I would love to try living there for a week, but I don't see how it is possible.
But being around life is so exhilirating and envigorating.
Yesterday I went down to the city to go to the Social Security office. It seems that my card was lost in the shuffle of moving and starting new jobs. I'm sure it'll turn up after I get my new one. That's what usually happens. But anyway, I got down to State Street, finally said fuck it and parked in the Rochester Plaza Hotel parking, and walked the block or so to the Federal Bulding, only to discover a Xerox paper sign on the door that said Social Security had moved to Chestnut Street. I walked by some protestors and was handed a yellow flyer by an enchanting young man with a face for exotic photography.
So I got back to my car and drove all the way down to Chestnut street, which is near the Jazz festival, so I had to scavenge for parking again, and finally parked in the parking lot across from Vertex, and walked about 3 blocks to the HSBC place where the Social Security office now is. I got all the way to the 14th floor to discover they had closed just 8 minutes before I arrived.
So this morning I went there bright and early at 9 am. And waited 2 hours just to sign a paper and go.
Don't you just love the government?
I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today. Maybe it's because I went to the city both today and yesterday. I always feel more alive after that.
Maybe I'm really a city girl. I would love to try living there for a week, but I don't see how it is possible.
But being around life is so exhilirating and envigorating.
Yesterday I went down to the city to go to the Social Security office. It seems that my card was lost in the shuffle of moving and starting new jobs. I'm sure it'll turn up after I get my new one. That's what usually happens. But anyway, I got down to State Street, finally said fuck it and parked in the Rochester Plaza Hotel parking, and walked the block or so to the Federal Bulding, only to discover a Xerox paper sign on the door that said Social Security had moved to Chestnut Street. I walked by some protestors and was handed a yellow flyer by an enchanting young man with a face for exotic photography.
So I got back to my car and drove all the way down to Chestnut street, which is near the Jazz festival, so I had to scavenge for parking again, and finally parked in the parking lot across from Vertex, and walked about 3 blocks to the HSBC place where the Social Security office now is. I got all the way to the 14th floor to discover they had closed just 8 minutes before I arrived.
So this morning I went there bright and early at 9 am. And waited 2 hours just to sign a paper and go.
Don't you just love the government?
June 16th, 2008
We wander through this forest
Of parallel rows of oaken giants
The wind is whispering in the grass and through the leaves
All I hear is rushing
Everything is always in such a hurry
Scurrying for the abyss
Even my thoughts won't slow down but for a long drink
Of slow green poison
You gathered for me a bundle of daisies
To stir inspiration for my creations
And we danced in the tall grass
But a darkness fell across your face like a black veil
And I found I knew you no more
I told you "I don't write words anymore"
In our fleeting conversation
As I desperately tried to keep you
You were my inspiration
But you left me alone on the edge of the precipice
With only a few parting words:
"Your self is all that you have"
I threw our last crumpled pages into the blackness
And they turned to dust before my eyes
A glint of red caught in the corner of my vision
As I saw my sanctuary shriveled and dried
A flood of murky water flowed through the dead trees
Carrying with it my creations,
Their beauty rotting away like a thousand putrefied corpses
And the daisies you gave to me for inspiration
Turned to ash at my touch
I tried to forget about creation
Painful memories of your smile and your eyes
As we danced and sang beautiful verses
I tried to oppress the muse
But creation cannot be subdued
My aria turned to a scornful elegy
As twisted and horrific visions overtook me
All I can taste is bitter repugnance
All I can envision is chaotic despair
Nothing of beauty can come from these hands
Of parallel rows of oaken giants
The wind is whispering in the grass and through the leaves
All I hear is rushing
Everything is always in such a hurry
Scurrying for the abyss
Even my thoughts won't slow down but for a long drink
Of slow green poison
You gathered for me a bundle of daisies
To stir inspiration for my creations
And we danced in the tall grass
But a darkness fell across your face like a black veil
And I found I knew you no more
I told you "I don't write words anymore"
In our fleeting conversation
As I desperately tried to keep you
You were my inspiration
But you left me alone on the edge of the precipice
With only a few parting words:
"Your self is all that you have"
I threw our last crumpled pages into the blackness
And they turned to dust before my eyes
A glint of red caught in the corner of my vision
As I saw my sanctuary shriveled and dried
A flood of murky water flowed through the dead trees
Carrying with it my creations,
Their beauty rotting away like a thousand putrefied corpses
And the daisies you gave to me for inspiration
Turned to ash at my touch
I tried to forget about creation
Painful memories of your smile and your eyes
As we danced and sang beautiful verses
I tried to oppress the muse
But creation cannot be subdued
My aria turned to a scornful elegy
As twisted and horrific visions overtook me
All I can taste is bitter repugnance
All I can envision is chaotic despair
Nothing of beauty can come from these hands
June 12th, 2008
I happen to think this is the most beautiful piece of poetry/lyric I have ever heard/read;
[Untitled]
We held hands on the last night on earth.
Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees,
screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.
It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated
along the bottom of the river.
So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea
and the shattered seasons lay,
and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.
In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner."
The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.
We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes
of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress.
The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn
as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.
The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.
I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall,
but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two.
I rode alone.
You said, "The cinders are falling like snow."
There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty,
bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city.
The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon
and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,
and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched
into the earth like a message.
-AFI, Sing the Sorrow
I only wish I could write this good.
[Untitled]
We held hands on the last night on earth.
Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees,
screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.
It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated
along the bottom of the river.
So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea
and the shattered seasons lay,
and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.
In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner."
The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.
We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes
of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress.
The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn
as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.
The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.
I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall,
but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two.
I rode alone.
You said, "The cinders are falling like snow."
There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty,
bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city.
The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon
and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,
and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched
into the earth like a message.
-AFI, Sing the Sorrow
I only wish I could write this good.
June 8th, 2008
I feel passion
Like a thousand double-edged knives
Slicing through perfect marble flesh
With the knowledge of impossibility
For this fairy-tale world to last
Of you I will simply tire
When the mystery is at last gone
After my flesh has known your flesh
In a tangle of sweat and violence and lies
As love catches a ride to neverland
On a lost speck of hope
Tossed to the floor
As we frantically cleared the table
For the ritual sacrifice
But who could have love for this desolate girl
Whose caresses are of parchment
Cracked and torn from fall after fall
My lush green haven is crumbling
Giving way to concrete and steel
Endless wastelands devoid of color
Not even a weed grows through the cracks in defiance
And the walls rise so high above our heads
All I can see is an endless, starless sky
And your face is transformed into monstrosity
I feel the asphyxia setting in
As I turn to run but my legs take me nowhere
And I succumb
Like a thousand double-edged knives
Slicing through perfect marble flesh
With the knowledge of impossibility
For this fairy-tale world to last
Of you I will simply tire
When the mystery is at last gone
After my flesh has known your flesh
In a tangle of sweat and violence and lies
As love catches a ride to neverland
On a lost speck of hope
Tossed to the floor
As we frantically cleared the table
For the ritual sacrifice
But who could have love for this desolate girl
Whose caresses are of parchment
Cracked and torn from fall after fall
My lush green haven is crumbling
Giving way to concrete and steel
Endless wastelands devoid of color
Not even a weed grows through the cracks in defiance
And the walls rise so high above our heads
All I can see is an endless, starless sky
And your face is transformed into monstrosity
I feel the asphyxia setting in
As I turn to run but my legs take me nowhere
And I succumb
blahI suddenly desperately want a black lace parasol and a pair of nifty black dress gloves.... *sigh*
June 4th, 2008
My paid account runs out in 12 days.
I just don't see the point in keeping up with it after that. I have my real diary with its red chinese silk cover. when that is full, I shall buy another one to my liking, and so on. Why should I feel the need to post the innermost workings of my mind for the world to see? I used to believe it made me stronger, because I could put it there for the world to see and not care. But the inner workings of my mind are something one should not share. It's the kind of thing that gets one institutionalized.
So, I guess, this is goodbye.
[now is the time to steal my icons, as they will all suddenly vanish in 12 days]
I just don't see the point in keeping up with it after that. I have my real diary with its red chinese silk cover. when that is full, I shall buy another one to my liking, and so on. Why should I feel the need to post the innermost workings of my mind for the world to see? I used to believe it made me stronger, because I could put it there for the world to see and not care. But the inner workings of my mind are something one should not share. It's the kind of thing that gets one institutionalized.
So, I guess, this is goodbye.
[now is the time to steal my icons, as they will all suddenly vanish in 12 days]
June 2nd, 2008
Blood like a candy coating
dripping down from fingers
digging into flesh
Maybe it's perversion
but it's my diversion
from the painful white fluorescent burn
of normality
You speak to me in catatonic tones
with a voice so harsh and hollow
it echoes like nails on the back
of my skull
And in my agitation I turn feral eyes
upon the tantalizing expanse
of your soft ivory throat
And I think unspeakable atrocities
of a limp and lifeless body
with staring glassy marble eyes
...coated with a sticky red candy caramel
...the perfect consistency for a masterpiece on canvas
Maybe this is an abomination
but destruction feels so like
transcendent creation
My sentiments are not with yours
I am resignedly the monster which your world abhors
Yours, truly.
dripping down from fingers
digging into flesh
Maybe it's perversion
but it's my diversion
from the painful white fluorescent burn
of normality
You speak to me in catatonic tones
with a voice so harsh and hollow
it echoes like nails on the back
of my skull
And in my agitation I turn feral eyes
upon the tantalizing expanse
of your soft ivory throat
And I think unspeakable atrocities
of a limp and lifeless body
with staring glassy marble eyes
...coated with a sticky red candy caramel
...the perfect consistency for a masterpiece on canvas
Maybe this is an abomination
but destruction feels so like
transcendent creation
My sentiments are not with yours
I am resignedly the monster which your world abhors
Yours, truly.
May 22nd, 2008
Finished the dreaded FAFSA. Considering new living arrangements.
Looking for second job to work my ass of and save up money. May even move back home for the summer... my sister grates on my nerves always wanting to know where I'm going and when I'm coming home, so that she can laze around while I take care of the baby, who now prefers me to her when he's upset, hurt, hungry, etc. I am NOT a parent. I can't do it.
My brother bought us tickets to see Slipknot and Disturbed in Buffalo in August. I have to say I am really psyched. I guess it's fair, I bought us tickets to Family Values last year for about the same price. Our seats won't be as good. Oh well. I haven't been much of a fan lately, but I grew up listening to them. I have all of each band's cds (even if that is just 3 or 4 each). I think David Draiman is a sexy motherfucker, as well. Mm mm.
Looking for second job to work my ass of and save up money. May even move back home for the summer... my sister grates on my nerves always wanting to know where I'm going and when I'm coming home, so that she can laze around while I take care of the baby, who now prefers me to her when he's upset, hurt, hungry, etc. I am NOT a parent. I can't do it.
My brother bought us tickets to see Slipknot and Disturbed in Buffalo in August. I have to say I am really psyched. I guess it's fair, I bought us tickets to Family Values last year for about the same price. Our seats won't be as good. Oh well. I haven't been much of a fan lately, but I grew up listening to them. I have all of each band's cds (even if that is just 3 or 4 each). I think David Draiman is a sexy motherfucker, as well. Mm mm.
May 18th, 2008
I enrolled the other day at FLCC again. Now I just need an apartment and a work place, which I am working on right away because the sooner I move, the better. My sister is grating on my nerves. I just need to move on.
I also need to get treated for my anxiety, seriously. It is starting to interfere with my day-to-day functioning. The other night I was up all night with panic attacks. Just as soon as I could calm down I would get all worked up again. My pulse is so frantic that I feel it in my toes. It's like I fear falling asleep - into that state where I don't know what's going on around me.
Then I must have finally fallen asleep around 2 or 3 am, and missed an hour of work. And then I was so exhausted at work that I kept shaking and dropping things and I couldn't stay late to help finish with the ridiculously huge Saturday truck they sent us. (we usually have a TINY team to work with on Saturday). I couldn't sleep after work because I went to Lynne's Graduation. The whole day I felt panic waiting at the back of my mind, threatening to rise again, especially near the massive crowd at the graduation. I hope I'm calmed down by concert season. Of course, when one of my favorite bands is playing on the stage in front of me, I tend to forget about the people.
The obstacle with getting treatment is that I currently have no Doctor. My last doctor dropped me, because according to them, I hadn't had an appointment with them in 5 years. So shoot me because I don't get seriously sick. The thing is, I'm SURE I was in at least for check-ups. So, nevertheless, I have to go do a bunch of paperwork to get added to someone else's patient list, and then when that goes through, schedule an appointment so that they can refer me to a therapist, so that my insurance will cover it. By this time I will have panicked myself into a heart attack or a stroke or something serious.
So after graduation and after-ceremony feasting I went to the Marion home to work on financial aid, but instead fell asleep in my old bed and slept for 13 hours until 8:00 this morning. Meanwhile, nothing has been done. I started filling out the FAFSA only to discover I still need all my parent's information even though I'm not living at home and not getting any aid from them because I am under 23 years of age, don't have any children, unmarried, and was never an orphan. I can't be financially independent otherwise?
The nice thing in all this is going back to school. I will feel like I'm actually doing something with my life, and not being sucked into a menial life of labor and meaninglessness. I miss STAR club, and the College Democrats, even though most of the people I've grown to love there just graduated, I will enjoy being in that environment again. I enjoy being loved the way I am down at FLCC. When I walked into the main hallway, all the people I knew before were there hanging out in the corner they always are in, playing cards, or reading tarot, or playing videos on their laptops, or stressing over exams. Everyone jumped up to hug me, like I'd always been on their minds, even though I hadn't set foot on campus for months. I'm still not used to this kind of reception. I'm so used to people pretending to like me for one reason or another. I'm still always expecting this kind of outcome from every relationship. See why I need therapy.
I also need to get treated for my anxiety, seriously. It is starting to interfere with my day-to-day functioning. The other night I was up all night with panic attacks. Just as soon as I could calm down I would get all worked up again. My pulse is so frantic that I feel it in my toes. It's like I fear falling asleep - into that state where I don't know what's going on around me.
Then I must have finally fallen asleep around 2 or 3 am, and missed an hour of work. And then I was so exhausted at work that I kept shaking and dropping things and I couldn't stay late to help finish with the ridiculously huge Saturday truck they sent us. (we usually have a TINY team to work with on Saturday). I couldn't sleep after work because I went to Lynne's Graduation. The whole day I felt panic waiting at the back of my mind, threatening to rise again, especially near the massive crowd at the graduation. I hope I'm calmed down by concert season. Of course, when one of my favorite bands is playing on the stage in front of me, I tend to forget about the people.
The obstacle with getting treatment is that I currently have no Doctor. My last doctor dropped me, because according to them, I hadn't had an appointment with them in 5 years. So shoot me because I don't get seriously sick. The thing is, I'm SURE I was in at least for check-ups. So, nevertheless, I have to go do a bunch of paperwork to get added to someone else's patient list, and then when that goes through, schedule an appointment so that they can refer me to a therapist, so that my insurance will cover it. By this time I will have panicked myself into a heart attack or a stroke or something serious.
So after graduation and after-ceremony feasting I went to the Marion home to work on financial aid, but instead fell asleep in my old bed and slept for 13 hours until 8:00 this morning. Meanwhile, nothing has been done. I started filling out the FAFSA only to discover I still need all my parent's information even though I'm not living at home and not getting any aid from them because I am under 23 years of age, don't have any children, unmarried, and was never an orphan. I can't be financially independent otherwise?
The nice thing in all this is going back to school. I will feel like I'm actually doing something with my life, and not being sucked into a menial life of labor and meaninglessness. I miss STAR club, and the College Democrats, even though most of the people I've grown to love there just graduated, I will enjoy being in that environment again. I enjoy being loved the way I am down at FLCC. When I walked into the main hallway, all the people I knew before were there hanging out in the corner they always are in, playing cards, or reading tarot, or playing videos on their laptops, or stressing over exams. Everyone jumped up to hug me, like I'd always been on their minds, even though I hadn't set foot on campus for months. I'm still not used to this kind of reception. I'm so used to people pretending to like me for one reason or another. I'm still always expecting this kind of outcome from every relationship. See why I need therapy.
May 15th, 2008
Today I gave Zsa Zsa her first bath. Well, her first one with me.
Life is strange.
I applied to work at this snobby Country Club... the Country Club of Rochester, to be exact. Where all the oldest, wealthiest families of Rochester go to get away from it all...
The place stinks of blue blood.
But I applied, and, depending on how much they offer to pay me, I might take it, for the summer.
I liked the lady who interviewed me, who explained that if I worked there I would have to see to the every need of the club members, and be like "yes sir. yes mam." She even said some of these people are inbred. Oh joy.
Just the summer. Can't kill me, right?
Oh, and here's the real picture of Zsa Zsa:
Life is strange.
I applied to work at this snobby Country Club... the Country Club of Rochester, to be exact. Where all the oldest, wealthiest families of Rochester go to get away from it all...
The place stinks of blue blood.
But I applied, and, depending on how much they offer to pay me, I might take it, for the summer.
I liked the lady who interviewed me, who explained that if I worked there I would have to see to the every need of the club members, and be like "yes sir. yes mam." She even said some of these people are inbred. Oh joy.
Just the summer. Can't kill me, right?
Oh, and here's the real picture of Zsa Zsa:
May 11th, 2008
( Zsa Zsa )
My new car.
I stopped at king's auto one night with my brother to look at another car, but I saw this one in their back lot and wanted it. A few days later as I was driving by with my sister I saw that they'd put it on the front lot for sale. I came back with my brother a few days after that to check it out, applied for it, and got it!
$300 down and $220 a month and she's mine. All mine.
Picked it up Friday.
I've already changed the stereo over, but not the speakers yet. I also put deer whistles on it too, not taking chances. I hadn't had Sally 2 weeks before I hit a deer with her. Of course, I was commuting a lot more then through a lot of country roads...
In other news, I think I'm going back to school for History. I just contacted a guy who's looking for a building manager in one of the student housing complexes, who might be willing to also include an apartment for me in the job. Suhweet.
I guess I want to be a teacher. High school level, at least. And then I want to get my doctorate and teach college. It's just more fun with people on the same intellectual level, who are actually interested in the subject.
My new car.
I stopped at king's auto one night with my brother to look at another car, but I saw this one in their back lot and wanted it. A few days later as I was driving by with my sister I saw that they'd put it on the front lot for sale. I came back with my brother a few days after that to check it out, applied for it, and got it!
$300 down and $220 a month and she's mine. All mine.
Picked it up Friday.
I've already changed the stereo over, but not the speakers yet. I also put deer whistles on it too, not taking chances. I hadn't had Sally 2 weeks before I hit a deer with her. Of course, I was commuting a lot more then through a lot of country roads...
In other news, I think I'm going back to school for History. I just contacted a guy who's looking for a building manager in one of the student housing complexes, who might be willing to also include an apartment for me in the job. Suhweet.
I guess I want to be a teacher. High school level, at least. And then I want to get my doctorate and teach college. It's just more fun with people on the same intellectual level, who are actually interested in the subject.
April 18th, 2008
Well I've been burying myself in murder-mystery novels, forensic stories, true life crime and other such nonsense. Delightful, really.
And strangely enough I've become inspired to write again... but it has nothing to do with crime and murder and forensics. It's kind of upbeat. I'm afraid it's somewhat along the lines of what you might find in Oprah's book club.... just a little more... queer.
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
half_queer
That's just a start. The rest is in my head and on an ancient laptop in Webster. yay.
I've decided to use a tape recorder. All my best ideas come to me when I'm nowhere near a paper or pen. Usually while driving, or hiking, or shopping, or taking lovely pictures. I'll feel so... so... nerdy chic. But whatever, it will get the job done.
On another note, spring has lifted my spirits considerably.
And strangely enough I've become inspired to write again... but it has nothing to do with crime and murder and forensics. It's kind of upbeat. I'm afraid it's somewhat along the lines of what you might find in Oprah's book club.... just a little more... queer.
half_queerThat's just a start. The rest is in my head and on an ancient laptop in Webster. yay.
I've decided to use a tape recorder. All my best ideas come to me when I'm nowhere near a paper or pen. Usually while driving, or hiking, or shopping, or taking lovely pictures. I'll feel so... so... nerdy chic. But whatever, it will get the job done.
On another note, spring has lifted my spirits considerably.
bouncyApril 1st, 2008
She's really a lovely girl...
With flowing golden hair and eyes of the sea
She sees all within you
And like the mermaid she's so far out of reach
Always you can glimpse her in the setting sun
But catch her you will never
Her spirit is free.
You're suffering from her
Yes
You yearn, you long, you call out
And all she does is smile with those eyes
Yes
She'll carve your heart out with a coral dagger
She'll light it aflame
And toss it down on the stones
She'll drown it in a thousand sweeping waves
Tie it on a strand of pearls and keep it always
So that you can never escape
No
You'll drown for her
In those smiling eyes
The eyes that burn white
Stars in the night
Waves in the sea
Those things you'll never catch
But everything you need
She's a witch, she's a devil
But oh,
She's really a lovely girl...
With flowing golden hair and eyes of the sea
She sees all within you
And like the mermaid she's so far out of reach
Always you can glimpse her in the setting sun
But catch her you will never
Her spirit is free.
You're suffering from her
Yes
You yearn, you long, you call out
And all she does is smile with those eyes
Yes
She'll carve your heart out with a coral dagger
She'll light it aflame
And toss it down on the stones
She'll drown it in a thousand sweeping waves
Tie it on a strand of pearls and keep it always
So that you can never escape
No
You'll drown for her
In those smiling eyes
The eyes that burn white
Stars in the night
Waves in the sea
Those things you'll never catch
But everything you need
She's a witch, she's a devil
But oh,
She's really a lovely girl...
lonelyMarch 13th, 2008
I went to visit Jessica a while back at her new home at Fort Drum. She’s living on the military base while her husband is fighting over in Iraq, which is odd. It’s like they shipped him over there straight out of training.
She’s a mother of two now. How times have changed… I remember our days as the delinquents of the town. We used to sneak around at night, smoking cigarettes and stealing beer and liquor from my parents, her aunt, and grandparents. We had lots of laughs then. Not a care in the world. It sometimes makes me cringe to think of the stupid risks we took sometimes. In the cemetery at night in the summer… with the migrant workers wandering around everywhere, who are sometimes known to prey on little girls. We even made fun of one of her brother’s drug dealers, some Asian guy from the city, who had a cell phone that looked just like his car. I’m pretty sure he was packing a gun, and he did not like two little girls making fun of him… It all seems so long ago.
And then when she was diagnosed with cancer, everything changed. She was hardly ever around because of her treatments. My parents never cared enough to take me to visit her. Then her father finally took an interest in her and took her to live with him in Michigan. And that’s where she met her husband, and found out her mother wasn’t really dead. So much has changed since then. She’s changed. I’ve changed. And though I’ve found there are many friends I’ve grown away from, I still find we have things in common.
It was a nice little visit. It was a long drive getting there, over 2 hours. We drove through Oswego, which I think is such a charming little city. Jessica’s kids are so cute. Right when we got there, Summer started handing toys to Matthew. Aiden is just a month older than Matthew. They stared at each other and seemed amused by each other.
Now with Jessica only 2 hours away, we shall visit each other more often. She plans on coming to Marion this summer as well, and we can relive old days… kind of. Haha.
Lately I've been realizing I need a second job. I hope to become a waitress and earn my fortune in petty tips.
And now for my dreams....
First Dream:
I was in this really old house. Everything was wood, and it was kind of foggy and dark. But it was warm, like summer time. I don’t know why I was there in that house. Perhaps it was the home of this beautiful girl that was there before me.
She was a vision, with golden hair and golden skin. A child of summer. An intoxicating smile. And I, of course, was actively pursuing her to the best of my abilities. I lusted after her greatly.
Somewhere in our play she got a panicked look. The sun was rising, and the suns rays suddenly shot through the house. The earth glowed red.
“The sun’s turned red,” she whispered. “They say when that happens it will be the end of the world.”
“No,” I said.
I ran out onto the front porch, into the light of the red sun, and it burned me. The plants around the house shriveled. I smelled burning wood.
I knew I was dying and I was terrified. Was the biblical God real? I was angry. My life had just begun. I was just flying through flames and light, screaming “God! No!” They were flames that did not burn, and the light illuminated nothing for me. I was dead, on my way to judgment, or a new life, or to nothingness.
And then I awoke, heart racing, disoriented and confused.
Second Dream:
I dreamed that I got a fake I.D. I think I was with Lynne. The ID was so fake. I was really mad. Then I dreamed I was lying on the floor somewhere, with my feet against a wall, and Erik, the red-headed bartender from Vertex, was suddenly standing over me. He was wearing a dark blue hooded sweatshirt, and a teal surgeon’s mask. Strange as that is, I wrote it off as some kind of costume.
I lost some of my dream here…
Then I went to JCPenney’s and offered to work for a day. But it wasn’t like work at all. When I came in, Mike Devito had a long brown wig on. At first I thought he’d been growing out his hair. Then I realized it was definitely a girly wig, with the top swept up in a little hive.
“What’s up Nache, you coming back?” he said.
“”Yeah but now I’m teaching,” I responded, like it was some prestigious position. (teaching, wtf?)
I found out the wig was Chelsea’s, who was suddenly standing there at the register, with her hair all spiky, wearing the orange dress that she wore to the holiday party… with no shoes…
So after everyone got to say hi to me, I had to go to my “school”.
There was a bunch of people sitting around on couches. Erik from Vertex was one of them. He asked me to raid his hair (even though he doesn’t really have much..) so I tried, but couldn’t. Then I fell asleep against is back. I guess I was really exhausted?
She’s a mother of two now. How times have changed… I remember our days as the delinquents of the town. We used to sneak around at night, smoking cigarettes and stealing beer and liquor from my parents, her aunt, and grandparents. We had lots of laughs then. Not a care in the world. It sometimes makes me cringe to think of the stupid risks we took sometimes. In the cemetery at night in the summer… with the migrant workers wandering around everywhere, who are sometimes known to prey on little girls. We even made fun of one of her brother’s drug dealers, some Asian guy from the city, who had a cell phone that looked just like his car. I’m pretty sure he was packing a gun, and he did not like two little girls making fun of him… It all seems so long ago.
And then when she was diagnosed with cancer, everything changed. She was hardly ever around because of her treatments. My parents never cared enough to take me to visit her. Then her father finally took an interest in her and took her to live with him in Michigan. And that’s where she met her husband, and found out her mother wasn’t really dead. So much has changed since then. She’s changed. I’ve changed. And though I’ve found there are many friends I’ve grown away from, I still find we have things in common.
It was a nice little visit. It was a long drive getting there, over 2 hours. We drove through Oswego, which I think is such a charming little city. Jessica’s kids are so cute. Right when we got there, Summer started handing toys to Matthew. Aiden is just a month older than Matthew. They stared at each other and seemed amused by each other.
Now with Jessica only 2 hours away, we shall visit each other more often. She plans on coming to Marion this summer as well, and we can relive old days… kind of. Haha.
Lately I've been realizing I need a second job. I hope to become a waitress and earn my fortune in petty tips.
And now for my dreams....
First Dream:
I was in this really old house. Everything was wood, and it was kind of foggy and dark. But it was warm, like summer time. I don’t know why I was there in that house. Perhaps it was the home of this beautiful girl that was there before me.
She was a vision, with golden hair and golden skin. A child of summer. An intoxicating smile. And I, of course, was actively pursuing her to the best of my abilities. I lusted after her greatly.
Somewhere in our play she got a panicked look. The sun was rising, and the suns rays suddenly shot through the house. The earth glowed red.
“The sun’s turned red,” she whispered. “They say when that happens it will be the end of the world.”
“No,” I said.
I ran out onto the front porch, into the light of the red sun, and it burned me. The plants around the house shriveled. I smelled burning wood.
I knew I was dying and I was terrified. Was the biblical God real? I was angry. My life had just begun. I was just flying through flames and light, screaming “God! No!” They were flames that did not burn, and the light illuminated nothing for me. I was dead, on my way to judgment, or a new life, or to nothingness.
And then I awoke, heart racing, disoriented and confused.
Second Dream:
I dreamed that I got a fake I.D. I think I was with Lynne. The ID was so fake. I was really mad. Then I dreamed I was lying on the floor somewhere, with my feet against a wall, and Erik, the red-headed bartender from Vertex, was suddenly standing over me. He was wearing a dark blue hooded sweatshirt, and a teal surgeon’s mask. Strange as that is, I wrote it off as some kind of costume.
I lost some of my dream here…
Then I went to JCPenney’s and offered to work for a day. But it wasn’t like work at all. When I came in, Mike Devito had a long brown wig on. At first I thought he’d been growing out his hair. Then I realized it was definitely a girly wig, with the top swept up in a little hive.
“What’s up Nache, you coming back?” he said.
“”Yeah but now I’m teaching,” I responded, like it was some prestigious position. (teaching, wtf?)
I found out the wig was Chelsea’s, who was suddenly standing there at the register, with her hair all spiky, wearing the orange dress that she wore to the holiday party… with no shoes…
So after everyone got to say hi to me, I had to go to my “school”.
There was a bunch of people sitting around on couches. Erik from Vertex was one of them. He asked me to raid his hair (even though he doesn’t really have much..) so I tried, but couldn’t. Then I fell asleep against is back. I guess I was really exhausted?
February 20th, 2008
February 17, 2008 8:17 am
Today I went out to watch the sun rise. I had gone to bed at about 2:30 yesterday afternoon, and woke up at about 2:30 this morning, restless. I made coffee, watched some ridiculous early morning TV, and read from my book Brimstone by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child, who are my favorite writing team of all time, by the way. I discovered them in the Wegmans book section a few years ago, reading the first few pages of The Cabinet of Curiosities and becoming hooked. At about 5 am, I thought, I’ve never really gone out and watched the sun rise. I used to watch it in High School, riding the bus. But that was moving down the road, out of a dirty bus window, over the roar of the engine, the blare of my headphones, and the muffled sounds of the other kids telling each other of their adventures the night before.
So I got myself dressed. Made myself a quick breakfast of a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and more coffee. Packed a little bag with a water bottle, my jar of coffee, a flashlight, my cigarettes (regrettably), and a lighter. And my wallet for ID, in case of the unthinkable. I left around 6:00.
The walk was cold. But I was wearing a hoodie, under a red fleece (to make myself more visible. There is some traffic at that hour, though not much.) My red china bag was slung over one shoulder, bouncing lightly against my denim-clad hip. I could hear the water and coffee sloshing around. The snow was glazed over with ice, an affect of the melting and refreezing that goes on throughout the day. It was beautiful, and all I could think was it would be a nightmare if for any reason I had to run across it. Though I can’t think of any real reasons to think that way. My mother tries to scare me into believing that there are monsters lurking all over Webster, waiting to snatch me up. But I walk between a great big field and a row of backyards. I have nothing to fear but the cold. The coldest point of the night is those moments just before dawn.
I enjoyed an early morning smoke along with my walk. My poison stick of choice being camel pink no.9 100’s, though I usually get the no.9 regulars. The man at the store convinced me somehow to get these, because they were buy 1 get 1. They’ll probably go stale before I smoke them all, since I only smoke for a leisurely pleasure, not because I fiend for the nicotine.
So, let me tell you how the dawn in Webster on a cold February morning is. It begins with a faint periwinkle glow from the eastern horizons. At first you might not be sure if that glow is actually from the sun, or from streetlights miles away. Then gradually color enters the world. A faint orange glow along the horizon, giving shape to ghostly silhouettes. It resembles dusk, though the feeling is different. It is quieter. I stand at the crossroads of a cemetery on ridge road, where I can see the orange glow of the Wegmans sign in the distance. Here the horizon is just barely scathed by modern buildings. A bat chatters on its flight home over my head. Soon the sky is filled with bright yellows, orange, and a deep red, all surrounded by the most brilliant cerulean sky. Skeletal trees and rooftops cut through this rainbow glow along the horizon. Squirrels emerge from their nightly refuges and scamper across the frozen ground, a look of confusion on their tiny faces as they skid across the patches of ice. The birds awaken and begin to chirp. A black silhouette of a large bird, perhaps a crow, sweeps across the scene. Light floods across the ground, creating shadows cast by the stones and the trees. The brilliant dawn is framed by a pleasant turquoise sky, with a few faint clouds. A jet decides to cut through the scene leaving a trail of smoke.
And thus completes the dawn. The only thing that could make it more magnificent is if there had been someone to share that experience with. So, if anyone wants to come out to Webster at some ungodly hour to watch the dawn with me, just call.
I walked to the Wegmans then and used the bathroom. Delightful. And now it’s hard to believe I’ve been up for over 6 hours when it is just 8:30 in the morning. What a strange life this has become.
February 12th, 2008
Today is National (or international?) pancake day. I hope everyone had some pancakes.
My journaling for the last week or so:
February 9, 2008, 11:31 pm
Today was my last day working at JCPenney’s. It was strange working, knowing that I would never have to be back. Everyone was sad to see me go. I was delighted that I was leaving, never having to work at the mall again.
When I originally took the job at JCPenney’s, I was an inexperienced 17-year-old, without a car or divers license. I took that job because my sister already worked at the mall. It was going to be a temporary job until I got a drivers license and a car. I didn’t want to work at the mall. I hated it. I also was rather normal looking and had long, naturally colored hair. I was still rather optimistic about people in general…. Now two and a half years later, I hate people. I still hate the mall. But I made a lot of friends, met a lot of… interesting people. I learned a lot of things about life in general… and about people.
I wanted to leave Penney’s many times. I was always looking for new jobs, but I never acted on it. I think I felt comfortable in that environment. I brought a friend, Lynne, along with me from the beginning. 5 days after I started, she started there. I knew the people. I got along with everyone. It’s hard to walk away from that. It still is. But the truth is I have changed. And with my change I feel I must move on. I went to a new school and discovered many things about myself. I know I’m a different person then when I began. I feel that I’ve finished this phase of my life, and I must move on. People I knew in my past have trouble accepting who I am now. Though they’d never voice it, I can just sense it. In this new job, they will only see me this way, until I change again.
On the other hand, some of my coworkers have gone through changes over the years. Especially Adam. I find he has gone from an intriguing person to someone I can hardly stand. And it’s sad. He’s become a ranting bible-thumping lunatic. A sexist racist pig. This is not the Adam I met. I guess he got very upset the other day because Catherine’s boyfriend proposed to her in the store. She is white, he is black. He truly believes that is wrong. He told Chelsea perhaps God will have pity on her, because she is mulatto. It is sad to know he has become this way.
Nancy, and Andy, said I could come back at any time if I wish. I don’t think I ever will.
So, I’m excited to move on. I no longer have to wait on customers. I only have to unload trucks, unpack boxes, and put everything in its proper place. No responsibility for counting money. And a steady schedule. I’m ready for this. For now, anyway.
Taking care of my Nephew is exhausting. He constantly needs stimulation. Entertainment. Attention. He’s also getting heavy. He’s so big for 7 months old. Over 20 pounds and almost 30 inches. He seems to get bigger every day. He’s so curious, grabs at everything. He loves mirrors, and he’s very social. Just like Auntie. I haven’t really watched a child grow up since I’ve become old enough to care. I was the youngest in my family for the longest time, and the extended family doesn’t keep in touch. I know 3 of my cousins have kids. I’ve not seen them since they were infants. I hope I have good influence on the boy. Along with the brother or sister he is going to have.
***much omitted here for my sister's sake****
Our parents are being ridiculous, as always. They want her to sever ties completely, of course. But they offer no aid. They’ve never expressed interest in spending time with Matthew. They’re only interested in him when we bring him over. They’ve never offered to baby-sit. Ryan’s mom is so involved with Matthew. She baby-sits him. She loves him. It would be unfair to her to cut her out of his life.
Also, I told my mom about my panic attacks, saying I want to see someone about them. She tells me that the devil uses the mind to get to you. She goes into some archaic rant about religion and how my thoughts are the devil’s devices to get me to doubt God. I can say I already do. Christian faith would have you fearing your own thoughts. It’s now a sin to think. You’re meant to believe your own mind to be the enemy. The devil puts these thoughts in your mind. Intellect is Satan. How nice, mom, that was really helpful.
I really have no desire to ever go back home. If my sister gets a house, I’ll just get a roommate and a semi-decent apartment somewhere. I can’t live with that woman. I’ll get my cosmetology license and work somewhere doing hair where I get good benefits, working on a business degree, working toward that dream in New York City. Maybe I’ll never call home again. My parents obviously will never except me for who I am. They just quote the bible at me left and right. Live in fear, because that’s what God wants. The Bible is the biggest book of contradictions ever written. As far as I can see, you can’t trust it. You can’t trust any written religious document, as it if flawed at the hands of men. Changed, distorted, transformed into an instrument of power. If there is a God he accepts all people no matter what. Love is love no matter whom it is with. Everyone is equal regardless of race, gender, where they come from, who they love, what they think, what they do…God is either all loving and benevolent or he’s a vengeful asshole who thinks you should live by strict rules and not appreciate or use the gifts he gave you, and who wants you to bicker and fight with anyone who is not just like you. He can’t be both. And I don’t think it’s the latter. It just doesn’t feel right and good. No. Maybe there is a God, but I do not believe he is the one they talk about in the “good book”. Vengeful and merciful? Unforgiving and benevolent? My god would be loving, giving, caring, compassionate, accepting. He wouldn’t throw all people who don’t live a certain way into an eternal Hell. When I dreamed I died I went neither up, nor down. I just floated. I was not judged. There were flames all around me but I was unburned. Maybe I was being reborn….
February 10, 2008, 11:51 am
I was watching an interview with Mike Huckabee on Face the Nation this morning. It was a weird experience. I know that I don’t support him. He’s a southern bible Baptist bible-thumping asshole. His personal beliefs are that women should have special permission from their husbands or fathers to work. Women belong behind men, seen and not heard. He also thinks that all gays and people with aid should be quarantined. But he said something that caught my attention. He said he didn’t see issues as individual problems, but as a part of the whole picture. That speaks exactly of what I believe. Everything is integrated and everything affects the others. Nobody in government ever seems to be able to understand this, but Mike Huckabee does. It’s too bad he’s such a conservative nut-job. I might have been persuaded to vote for this. Maybe if the other candidates can see this as well, it will make a better case for them. We really need someone who sees this way.
9:58 pm
It’s fucking freezing outside. I went out a while ago because I thought I would go to the store for some things like bread, and bagels, and a few other things. We’re in desperate need of a trip to the store. There’s not much to work with in the fridge. But I didn’t get far, even with my hoodie under my down coat, gloves, hat, boots. The cold bit and my legs, my fingers, my bare face. It even wrapped its harsh grip around my toes through the boots. It was just too damn cold. And I have to walk to work in this tomorrow morning at 3:30. It’s going to suck. I think this time around I’ll try 2 pairs of pants as well, and if I can find them, 2 pairs of gloves.
I should sleep before I have to go to work… if I can. I’ve had the worst trouble sleeping at night lately.
February 11, 2008 12:52 pm
Today was a lovely day. It started out great. I was up and ready to go. Ready and fully prepared to face that bitter cold, with many a layer on. I walked down to the Wegmans for some breakfast, as there was nothing really to have at the apartment. And then I got to Target at a few minutes after 4:00. Now they have this policy about mornings, the door is supposed to be open from 5 to until 5 after every hour. This is what I’ve been told. I got there at 4:03. I was walking down the mall. I saw other employees enter. But when I got to the door it was locked. Once they lock it again, there’s nothing they can do until the next hour. Needless to say, I was pissed. They have their thing about wanting to be accessible to all people. They’re obviously not. So, I called the manager when I finally got back home and let them know how dissatisfied I was. Of course she was very apologetic. She said I’d been told wrong. So, most unfortunately, there will have to be blood. Someone’s got to answer for it. I have a feeling it will be the dear HR manager. It is a shame, she is really nice, but they can’t tell me it’ll be open until 5 after when it won’t, after I walked a good 20-25 minutes in the freezing cold to be at work today, only to be locked out 2 minutes before I was told I would be. I did not return. I was on the verge of having frostbite on my legs already. If I get penalized for this I’ll bring in lawyers. I’m not taking shit from companies anymore. Once you’re in the work field for a while, you learn that companies try to take advantage of people. All people. They try to scare you into obedience, relying on your ignorance of your own rights by law. This is why you should make it a point to know your rights, wherever you are. If they try to release me based on this, I know, I will hit them with discrimination of persons who do not drive, lying, and not following their own policies and procedures guide. I have a copy of that right here and it does say the door will be open until 5 after.
Hopefully I won’t have to go through that. I really can’t try to find another job right now. Not this time of year. And I am really looking forward to working this odd shift. You have no idea how excited I was to learn I wouldn’t have to deal with customers. And of course the pay compensation for the ‘strange hours’ was nice. I already keep strange hours; it’s not that much of an adjustment. So I wait a few hours more until sleep. Oh well, we’ll find out soon enough if they’re going to make a big deal out of this. I don’t see how it’s my fault.
On to another subject, the people living downstairs, whom I have never seen, are chain smokers. Every time they light a new cigarette I think something is on fire. It’s annoying. I no longer smoke. I don’t want to have to live in its stench. I can’t believe they would put smokers and non-smokers in the same building here. And we have a child living under this roof. I don’t think complaining will do much. I mean, they have their right to smoke, and they’re living there, and we’re living here. Nobody really would like to be relocated.
My journaling for the last week or so:
February 9, 2008, 11:31 pm
Today was my last day working at JCPenney’s. It was strange working, knowing that I would never have to be back. Everyone was sad to see me go. I was delighted that I was leaving, never having to work at the mall again.
When I originally took the job at JCPenney’s, I was an inexperienced 17-year-old, without a car or divers license. I took that job because my sister already worked at the mall. It was going to be a temporary job until I got a drivers license and a car. I didn’t want to work at the mall. I hated it. I also was rather normal looking and had long, naturally colored hair. I was still rather optimistic about people in general…. Now two and a half years later, I hate people. I still hate the mall. But I made a lot of friends, met a lot of… interesting people. I learned a lot of things about life in general… and about people.
I wanted to leave Penney’s many times. I was always looking for new jobs, but I never acted on it. I think I felt comfortable in that environment. I brought a friend, Lynne, along with me from the beginning. 5 days after I started, she started there. I knew the people. I got along with everyone. It’s hard to walk away from that. It still is. But the truth is I have changed. And with my change I feel I must move on. I went to a new school and discovered many things about myself. I know I’m a different person then when I began. I feel that I’ve finished this phase of my life, and I must move on. People I knew in my past have trouble accepting who I am now. Though they’d never voice it, I can just sense it. In this new job, they will only see me this way, until I change again.
On the other hand, some of my coworkers have gone through changes over the years. Especially Adam. I find he has gone from an intriguing person to someone I can hardly stand. And it’s sad. He’s become a ranting bible-thumping lunatic. A sexist racist pig. This is not the Adam I met. I guess he got very upset the other day because Catherine’s boyfriend proposed to her in the store. She is white, he is black. He truly believes that is wrong. He told Chelsea perhaps God will have pity on her, because she is mulatto. It is sad to know he has become this way.
Nancy, and Andy, said I could come back at any time if I wish. I don’t think I ever will.
So, I’m excited to move on. I no longer have to wait on customers. I only have to unload trucks, unpack boxes, and put everything in its proper place. No responsibility for counting money. And a steady schedule. I’m ready for this. For now, anyway.
Taking care of my Nephew is exhausting. He constantly needs stimulation. Entertainment. Attention. He’s also getting heavy. He’s so big for 7 months old. Over 20 pounds and almost 30 inches. He seems to get bigger every day. He’s so curious, grabs at everything. He loves mirrors, and he’s very social. Just like Auntie. I haven’t really watched a child grow up since I’ve become old enough to care. I was the youngest in my family for the longest time, and the extended family doesn’t keep in touch. I know 3 of my cousins have kids. I’ve not seen them since they were infants. I hope I have good influence on the boy. Along with the brother or sister he is going to have.
***much omitted here for my sister's sake****
Our parents are being ridiculous, as always. They want her to sever ties completely, of course. But they offer no aid. They’ve never expressed interest in spending time with Matthew. They’re only interested in him when we bring him over. They’ve never offered to baby-sit. Ryan’s mom is so involved with Matthew. She baby-sits him. She loves him. It would be unfair to her to cut her out of his life.
Also, I told my mom about my panic attacks, saying I want to see someone about them. She tells me that the devil uses the mind to get to you. She goes into some archaic rant about religion and how my thoughts are the devil’s devices to get me to doubt God. I can say I already do. Christian faith would have you fearing your own thoughts. It’s now a sin to think. You’re meant to believe your own mind to be the enemy. The devil puts these thoughts in your mind. Intellect is Satan. How nice, mom, that was really helpful.
I really have no desire to ever go back home. If my sister gets a house, I’ll just get a roommate and a semi-decent apartment somewhere. I can’t live with that woman. I’ll get my cosmetology license and work somewhere doing hair where I get good benefits, working on a business degree, working toward that dream in New York City. Maybe I’ll never call home again. My parents obviously will never except me for who I am. They just quote the bible at me left and right. Live in fear, because that’s what God wants. The Bible is the biggest book of contradictions ever written. As far as I can see, you can’t trust it. You can’t trust any written religious document, as it if flawed at the hands of men. Changed, distorted, transformed into an instrument of power. If there is a God he accepts all people no matter what. Love is love no matter whom it is with. Everyone is equal regardless of race, gender, where they come from, who they love, what they think, what they do…God is either all loving and benevolent or he’s a vengeful asshole who thinks you should live by strict rules and not appreciate or use the gifts he gave you, and who wants you to bicker and fight with anyone who is not just like you. He can’t be both. And I don’t think it’s the latter. It just doesn’t feel right and good. No. Maybe there is a God, but I do not believe he is the one they talk about in the “good book”. Vengeful and merciful? Unforgiving and benevolent? My god would be loving, giving, caring, compassionate, accepting. He wouldn’t throw all people who don’t live a certain way into an eternal Hell. When I dreamed I died I went neither up, nor down. I just floated. I was not judged. There were flames all around me but I was unburned. Maybe I was being reborn….
February 10, 2008, 11:51 am
I was watching an interview with Mike Huckabee on Face the Nation this morning. It was a weird experience. I know that I don’t support him. He’s a southern bible Baptist bible-thumping asshole. His personal beliefs are that women should have special permission from their husbands or fathers to work. Women belong behind men, seen and not heard. He also thinks that all gays and people with aid should be quarantined. But he said something that caught my attention. He said he didn’t see issues as individual problems, but as a part of the whole picture. That speaks exactly of what I believe. Everything is integrated and everything affects the others. Nobody in government ever seems to be able to understand this, but Mike Huckabee does. It’s too bad he’s such a conservative nut-job. I might have been persuaded to vote for this. Maybe if the other candidates can see this as well, it will make a better case for them. We really need someone who sees this way.
9:58 pm
It’s fucking freezing outside. I went out a while ago because I thought I would go to the store for some things like bread, and bagels, and a few other things. We’re in desperate need of a trip to the store. There’s not much to work with in the fridge. But I didn’t get far, even with my hoodie under my down coat, gloves, hat, boots. The cold bit and my legs, my fingers, my bare face. It even wrapped its harsh grip around my toes through the boots. It was just too damn cold. And I have to walk to work in this tomorrow morning at 3:30. It’s going to suck. I think this time around I’ll try 2 pairs of pants as well, and if I can find them, 2 pairs of gloves.
I should sleep before I have to go to work… if I can. I’ve had the worst trouble sleeping at night lately.
February 11, 2008 12:52 pm
Today was a lovely day. It started out great. I was up and ready to go. Ready and fully prepared to face that bitter cold, with many a layer on. I walked down to the Wegmans for some breakfast, as there was nothing really to have at the apartment. And then I got to Target at a few minutes after 4:00. Now they have this policy about mornings, the door is supposed to be open from 5 to until 5 after every hour. This is what I’ve been told. I got there at 4:03. I was walking down the mall. I saw other employees enter. But when I got to the door it was locked. Once they lock it again, there’s nothing they can do until the next hour. Needless to say, I was pissed. They have their thing about wanting to be accessible to all people. They’re obviously not. So, I called the manager when I finally got back home and let them know how dissatisfied I was. Of course she was very apologetic. She said I’d been told wrong. So, most unfortunately, there will have to be blood. Someone’s got to answer for it. I have a feeling it will be the dear HR manager. It is a shame, she is really nice, but they can’t tell me it’ll be open until 5 after when it won’t, after I walked a good 20-25 minutes in the freezing cold to be at work today, only to be locked out 2 minutes before I was told I would be. I did not return. I was on the verge of having frostbite on my legs already. If I get penalized for this I’ll bring in lawyers. I’m not taking shit from companies anymore. Once you’re in the work field for a while, you learn that companies try to take advantage of people. All people. They try to scare you into obedience, relying on your ignorance of your own rights by law. This is why you should make it a point to know your rights, wherever you are. If they try to release me based on this, I know, I will hit them with discrimination of persons who do not drive, lying, and not following their own policies and procedures guide. I have a copy of that right here and it does say the door will be open until 5 after.
Hopefully I won’t have to go through that. I really can’t try to find another job right now. Not this time of year. And I am really looking forward to working this odd shift. You have no idea how excited I was to learn I wouldn’t have to deal with customers. And of course the pay compensation for the ‘strange hours’ was nice. I already keep strange hours; it’s not that much of an adjustment. So I wait a few hours more until sleep. Oh well, we’ll find out soon enough if they’re going to make a big deal out of this. I don’t see how it’s my fault.
On to another subject, the people living downstairs, whom I have never seen, are chain smokers. Every time they light a new cigarette I think something is on fire. It’s annoying. I no longer smoke. I don’t want to have to live in its stench. I can’t believe they would put smokers and non-smokers in the same building here. And we have a child living under this roof. I don’t think complaining will do much. I mean, they have their right to smoke, and they’re living there, and we’re living here. Nobody really would like to be relocated.