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The death of an age brings about the birth of histories and legends.

I am a legend.

It's only forever, not long at all

mona lisa

Use caution; for absinthe is but a slow poison.

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July 6th, 2008

(no subject)

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veiled
Forever cursed to love and want that which I cannot have

July 3rd, 2008

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mona lisa
One week on Zoloft and I haven't lost my mind yet. But now the dosage shall increase....

June 27th, 2008

Dreams are suffocating

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shh
The other night I had the weirdest dream.

I think I was living in a fascist Christian society where everyone had to be Christian or imprisoned or worse. They thought they could save me. I was forced to marry a boy to be rid of my sinful ways. We were to be the poster kids for their saving program.

We were married in a dingy basement room of a church, because the sanctuary was busy with devout Christians praying and whatnot. The whole ceremony I felt as though the world was tipping over and I had to struggle to stay standing. The boy they married me to wasn't bad looking. But I was trapped. I couldn't even think how to tell my friends I was married. When would they notice the ring on my finger?

They gave us a gigantic apartment to live in. I remember this part very well, and in my diary I even drew a diagram of it. It had high ceilings, at least 15 feet high, and tons of huge windows along one end of the apartment. There was lots of open space, and the furniture was very modern, but the building was very Victorian with moldings around the ceilings and fancy baseboards along the walls. There were huge bathrooms with stark white tiles. I never did see the kitchen. But here was where I was to live with my husband for the rest of my life or face something horrific. This boy that I knew nothing about.

And then I was out with my husband, and he just looked at me with such raw emotion in his eyes. He told me that his best friend was gay and he was very afraid for him. At this moment we were standing in the center of a highway on one of the broken white lines, that for some reason were about a foot wide. Cars were rushing by and no one seemed to notice. It was twilight. Headlights rushed by us and a warm wind accompanied every car. I took him into my arms and thought that maybe I could love this boy. We held each other tightly until he pulled back to look at me with sea green eyes. He said "you really are a great person. I'm glad we're together." And he kissed me.

I remember the feeling of his stubble against my skin. The taste of his lips. As we kissed with the cars rushing buy, our hugs turned into caresses and urgent groping. We broke from our kiss and dashed across the highway to return to our apartment where we immediately consummated the marriage.

The next thing I remember is fighting with some strange blond-haired boy in our apartment with black rimmed glasses because he'd eaten all the crackers. I was frantic about this for some reason. It seems to me this boy was a lover of mine because I had never intended to be faithful in my marriage. But that was before I actually loved my husband. I think I was afraid he'd know I had another man because of the missing crackers.

Then I awoke.





A few nights ago I dreamed I was in a store. It was like a KMart or Walmart with cheap metal shelving arranged in rows around a warehouse, and cheap linoleum tiling. I think Lynne was there. She had packs of toxic chemicals, and somehow I knew that it would be very bad if those chemicals came in contact with the air. I said "Don't open those..." but she already had. The air began to fill with a dense toxic fog, and we ran for the exits. I became disoriented and I couldn't see. I was breathing but getting no oxygen. I could feel myself slipping away, dying. I saw other people rush past but I was lost in this fog, suffocating. I couldn't stop myself from trying to breathe, and I kept breathing in this toxic air. I imagine drowning feels similar.

Then I woke up from that just as I was about to die.





I am on Zoloft now for anxiety. Here's hoping I don't turn into a homicidal maniac. Or a suicidal one.

And I'm going to probably go to counseling. I have no idea how often. I first have to find out if my insurance covers it. yay.

June 17th, 2008

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beauty
My paid account has expired, and now I have to look at retarded advertising all over livejournal. Oh joy. Maybe someday I'll buy it again, if I ever feel I have enough to write in here to make it worth while.

I'm feeling a bit more optimistic today. Maybe it's because I went to the city both today and yesterday. I always feel more alive after that.

Maybe I'm really a city girl. I would love to try living there for a week, but I don't see how it is possible.

But being around life is so exhilirating and envigorating.

Yesterday I went down to the city to go to the Social Security office. It seems that my card was lost in the shuffle of moving and starting new jobs. I'm sure it'll turn up after I get my new one. That's what usually happens. But anyway, I got down to State Street, finally said fuck it and parked in the Rochester Plaza Hotel parking, and walked the block or so to the Federal Bulding, only to discover a Xerox paper sign on the door that said Social Security had moved to Chestnut Street. I walked by some protestors and was handed a yellow flyer by an enchanting young man with a face for exotic photography.

So I got back to my car and drove all the way down to Chestnut street, which is near the Jazz festival, so I had to scavenge for parking again, and finally parked in the parking lot across from Vertex, and walked about 3 blocks to the HSBC place where the Social Security office now is. I got all the way to the 14th floor to discover they had closed just 8 minutes before I arrived.

So this morning I went there bright and early at 9 am. And waited 2 hours just to sign a paper and go.

Don't you just love the government?

June 16th, 2008

Bitter Creation

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veiled
We wander through this forest
Of parallel rows of oaken giants
The wind is whispering in the grass and through the leaves
All I hear is rushing
Everything is always in such a hurry
Scurrying for the abyss
Even my thoughts won't slow down but for a long drink
Of slow green poison
You gathered for me a bundle of daisies
To stir inspiration for my creations
And we danced in the tall grass
But a darkness fell across your face like a black veil
And I found I knew you no more

I told you "I don't write words anymore"
In our fleeting conversation
As I desperately tried to keep you
You were my inspiration
But you left me alone on the edge of the precipice
With only a few parting words:
"Your self is all that you have"

I threw our last crumpled pages into the blackness
And they turned to dust before my eyes
A glint of red caught in the corner of my vision
As I saw my sanctuary shriveled and dried
A flood of murky water flowed through the dead trees
Carrying with it my creations,
Their beauty rotting away like a thousand putrefied corpses
And the daisies you gave to me for inspiration
Turned to ash at my touch

I tried to forget about creation
Painful memories of your smile and your eyes
As we danced and sang beautiful verses
I tried to oppress the muse
But creation cannot be subdued
My aria turned to a scornful elegy
As twisted and horrific visions overtook me
All I can taste is bitter repugnance
All I can envision is chaotic despair

Nothing of beauty can come from these hands

June 12th, 2008

sleepless again

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poison
I happen to think this is the most beautiful piece of poetry/lyric I have ever heard/read;

[Untitled]
We held hands on the last night on earth.
Our mouths filled with dust, we kissed in the fields and under trees,
screaming like dogs, bleeding dark into the leaves.
It was empty on the edge of town but we knew everyone floated
along the bottom of the river.
So we walked through the waste where the road curved into the sea
and the shattered seasons lay,
and the bitter smell of burning was on you like a disease.
In our cancer of passion you said, "Death is a midnight runner."
The sky had come crashing down like the news of an intimate suicide.
We picked up the shards and formed them into shapes
of stars that wore like an antique wedding dress.
The echoes of the past broke the hearts of the unborn
as the ferris wheel silently slowed to a stop.
The few insects skittered away in hopes of a better pastime.
I kissed you at the apex of the maelstrom and asked
if you would accompany me in a quick fall,
but you made me realize that my ticket wasn't good for two.
I rode alone.
You said, "The cinders are falling like snow."
There is poetry in despair, and we sang with unrivaled beauty,
bitter elegies of savagery and eloquence.
Of blue and grey.
Strange, we ran down desperate streets and carved our names in the flesh of the city.
The sun was stagnated somewhere beyond the rim of the horizon
and the darkness is a mystery of curves and lines.
Still, we lay under the emptiness and drifted slowly outward,
and somewhere in the wilderness we found salvation scratched
into the earth like a message.

-AFI, Sing the Sorrow



I only wish I could write this good.

June 8th, 2008

The Fall

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windup pirate
I feel passion
Like a thousand double-edged knives
Slicing through perfect marble flesh
With the knowledge of impossibility
For this fairy-tale world to last
Of you I will simply tire
When the mystery is at last gone
After my flesh has known your flesh
In a tangle of sweat and violence and lies
As love catches a ride to neverland
On a lost speck of hope
Tossed to the floor
As we frantically cleared the table
For the ritual sacrifice
But who could have love for this desolate girl
Whose caresses are of parchment
Cracked and torn from fall after fall
My lush green haven is crumbling
Giving way to concrete and steel
Endless wastelands devoid of color
Not even a weed grows through the cracks in defiance
And the walls rise so high above our heads
All I can see is an endless, starless sky
And your face is transformed into monstrosity
I feel the asphyxia setting in
As I turn to run but my legs take me nowhere
And I succumb

(no subject)

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snow white
I suddenly desperately want a black lace parasol and a pair of nifty black dress gloves.... *sigh*

June 4th, 2008

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mona lisa
My paid account runs out in 12 days.

I just don't see the point in keeping up with it after that. I have my real diary with its red chinese silk cover. when that is full, I shall buy another one to my liking, and so on. Why should I feel the need to post the innermost workings of my mind for the world to see? I used to believe it made me stronger, because I could put it there for the world to see and not care. But the inner workings of my mind are something one should not share. It's the kind of thing that gets one institutionalized.

So, I guess, this is goodbye.

[now is the time to steal my icons, as they will all suddenly vanish in 12 days]

June 2nd, 2008

(no subject)

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evil
Blood like a candy coating
dripping down from fingers
digging into flesh

Maybe it's perversion
but it's my diversion
from the painful white fluorescent burn
of normality

You speak to me in catatonic tones
with a voice so harsh and hollow
it echoes like nails on the back
of my skull

And in my agitation I turn feral eyes
upon the tantalizing expanse
of your soft ivory throat

And I think unspeakable atrocities
of a limp and lifeless body
with staring glassy marble eyes
...coated with a sticky red candy caramel
...the perfect consistency for a masterpiece on canvas

Maybe this is an abomination
but destruction feels so like
transcendent creation

My sentiments are not with yours
I am resignedly the monster which your world abhors

Yours, truly.
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